Maybe destiny has hired me as an artist,
because reality has enslaved me in fear.
Expression, energy, creation,
build skyscrapers in my heart.
My ultimatum, my holy mecca,
my curse, my disease with no antidote,
Art, is something I create.
I am the pilot, of my own invention.
The master, of my own valleys.
The designer, of my peaks.
The king, of my own demise.
It is alternate realization,
a world, spilling out of my own fingers.
Maybe I am an artist,
because I am too scared to lose,
to not create,
something that will never leave,
unless I throw it away.
I am an artist,
A flower, a bird, a story.
I did not have friends growing up. A lonely soul, trapped in a population of material, violence. I found connections, relationships with the only parts of the world that would bring me in to their home, the only parts of the world, that welcomed.
Things that one can give, without possession.
Growth, love, creation.
I had a flower, that grew.
For years, this rose sat in the sunlight that reflected around my room.
It was a vibration, a message, of something beautiful,
that will always be there, if nothing else is.
The rose always grew,
watered by waterfalls of knowledge,
bathed by the light of meditation,
absorbed by the soil of passion.
But on a late night, I came home.
The rose, had deceased.
I had a bird, I loved.
It's immense color expanded daily.
It's wings flapped in the air of spirit,
it latched itself, upon my shoulders,
that became immune to weight.
I fed this bird, all the beauty I knew to express.
Food of art, nutrition of effort,
water of importance,
treats, of material.
I cherished the bird,
a spark of hope,
the epitome of all things gorgeous,
and all mine.
Yet the bird, had passed.
I wrote a story, I created.
A story of adventure,
Inked by tragedy,
written by the pen of Biblical complexity.
Rage, fallen heroes, angelic voices,
singing to my paper.
Characters of striking images,
elements of something,
more than science.
I came home, to a home burned.
My story, had disintegrated.
All that I love, has left me,
but become me.
The higher power, pushes me to the edge.
Please don't kill me, God,
I am my last love, no longer another to share this bed.
Please don't kill me, God,
All of my Friends R Dead.
The star pours out its light to the universe it has never met.
I sit below a dead tree, surrounded by dead people,
as it sparkles my eye in the dawning hours.
The sun, brightens even what has always been beautiful,
travels and seeps in to the clouds,
paints itself, among the horizon,
of peace, discovery, unknown.
The sun, is so beautiful.
The heat still touches me,
even from this psychotic distance.
One I can never climb towads, never reach,
but one I can always feel, always see.
a slice of our screams, cries, kisses.
Born in the sky, loyal to the hidden adventures, yet to come.
It stares at us as it rises,
holds our hand as it falls.
At night, as it seductively squats behind the nature it allows for the world to flourish,
and it may not rise again.
But God, I hope it does,
I pray it does.
I guess love,
is meant to be felt, can only be understood,
from this universe away.
come back soon.
I am a creation of power,
birthed by roots of sacrifice,
illustrated by tragedy,
built upon the smiles, of those that have been waiting the entire day for it.
I have given love,
to the sun.
It's heat leaks in to my veins,
tattoos itself to my body.
It has burned me,
but not buried me.
I awake, amongst the demons of war.
I rise, beyond the instrument of chaos, amplified in to energy's ear.
The night sky has fallen,
upon the roof of my light.
Space agrees with time,
Batman and The Joker,
share a laugh.
Roses, fall upon the feet of hope.
Eagles, fly above the sorrows of reality.
Clouds, rhythmically play a tune, for the crowd below.
Waves, crash amongst the peace of the beach.
Nature, has learned to fall asleep during war.
The world hugs, holds hands,
the yin, and the yang,
Summer of senior year. The days pass by quicker and quicker, as the countdown begins to freedom. I have worked my whole life not to be free, not to be able to get away from boredom, but to be safe. I have put my heart and soul in to school since Dyfs took me away from my parents. I knew what I had to do, to escape Chicago. I mean, I’m lucky I survived this long. 18 years of drugs, violence. My brothers dying. My parents, nowhere to be found. I am excited, for something new. Perhaps, something I can love.
I am attending the University of Miami this upcoming fall. I picked the furthest place away from Chicago I could have out of the colleges I was accepted in to. And as the final week came to a close, I knew what was coming. A new beginning. A place where my burns may look like beauty to others. A place where the past 18 years simply doesn’t exist.
I always loved the piano, but for some reason I’m going to be an engineer. I figured, in the long run, I would probably be rich. The engineering department of Miami University was the only portion of the school I got accepted to.
I thought this way, until one day.
I had a roommate there. He was a really cool dude, but really liked acid. It seemed like every other day he was tripping. But he was never obnoxious. He’s not an idiot, or he wouldn’t be going to this school. He was very, very intelligent. Not intelligent in the ambitious, confident, natural way. Intelligent in the, he may know something that I don’t, kind of way. He was constantly reading, constantly talking about soulmates, and constantly writing of heartbreak. As tough as he was, as much as I’d never fuck with him, he had an oddly blatant soft side. He said he grew up around here. This dude was the most complex guy I have ever met. I never knew how to feel about him, besides that I wanted to be him. I guess we will get back to that.
It was the first party I’ve ever been to… in my life. I wasn’t a loser, I was always just too busy working around the foster home or selling drugs to get away from the foster home. Maybe it’s the typical college love story, but my life is a bit different from the average person. As is my mind, and when a girl as beautiful as this one bumps in to me the way this one did, and then looked at me the way this one did, and then spoke to me the way this one did. It broke barriers bro.
Long story short, man we fell in love. She changed my life.
I dropped out of college. You may think I’m a whipped idiot, but I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do. This girl taught me to live freely. She taught me how loosely and jokingly life was meant to be taken. That nothing really matters, besides the love you give. I chased music, with her as my soul, my singer. I would play the melodic, lovely flow of the piano and her soft heart would belt out music effortlessly.
It was 2 years, of my first love. My life had been revolutionized. A life of loneliness, extraordinary pain, drugs, violence, and pure chaos, now evolved in to a life of love, music, and creation. This girl, was my world. I will never forget the beginning especially;
All the stressful nights where I did not know what to do for college, all of the nights where I was scared to love.
She always used to say, “Everything, will be fine.”
It doesn’t seem like much, but this girls voice dog….
I roam the city. The moon beams fully, radiating a soft light upon the city. My girl and I were walking to the open mic at the local bar as she was scheduled to perform and light up the room again. The weather was beautiful. I remember looking at her face in the reflection of the windows we passed, and just thinking about how lucky I got in this life shit man. Not only do I have a cool story to tell, but I got a hot girl ready to take on the world with me too.
She sang our most popular song. I don’t mean to brag, but almost a million views on Youtube. The chorus exploded like a calm tide amongst the room, peacefully chilling the audience’s skin.
I played the piano, focusing so hard as usual. I wouldn’t ever let myself let this girl down.
But I guess, there is some things you cannot control.
I saw my former roommate from a distance. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe he was still alive, and I didn’t think he was a fan of us! I ran to him, pushing through anything and anyone in my way.
“What’s up, man? I haven’t seen you in forever!”
“Is that your girlfriend up there?”
“Hell yeah dude. What brought you out here?”
It was a certain crazy I’ve never seen in anyone’s eyes, and that says a lot, because I grew up around a lot of crazy people. His eyes striked me, as if he had already hit me.
He raised a gun from his pocket and shot it in the air. I knew what was about to happen.
“Megan! How could you be with somebody else, we were soulmates!” he terrifyingly screamed toward her.
I tried to play hero, I swiftly snuck over to her and covered her. If anything was being fired, my body was protecting it from piercing Megan. I whispered to her, and asked what was going on.
“I dated him back in high school. When his dad shot his own mom, he didn’t want to let me go. He couldn’t let anything go,” she frantically panicked in to my ear.
Something told me to say it;
“It will be okay, babe. Everything, will be just fine.”
I stood up.
“You can take me homie. Don’t do this.”
“Okay,” he calmly said.
He shot me, twice. The bullets penetrated my shoulder and chest. Everything inside of me burned and throbbed. Blood was pouring out of my body as I laid down. I looked over. She was so scared man.
She cried out for help, begging him to stop. But he approached her. He raised the gun to her skull.
“Any last words?”
“Nicholas, I love you. Everything…”
That is all she managed to get out. As much as I wanted to hear her voice for as long as possible, I did not want her to lie to me again.
He was eventually arrested. I survived. She, laid dead somewhere in Miami.
I met the devil in Miami.
I trusted the devil in Miami.
I spoke to the devil in Miami, and he said everything, would be fine.
That night, I became the devil in Miami.
Yesterday, I had to live.
Today, I have to cry.
Because what I love,
is all that I have seen die.
Hang in there Dad, I know you can make it.
Please do not hide, the tears in your eyes.
They can awaken.
I'm sorry, world.
I have given you my all.
My spirit has imploded in all that the world can possibly mold in it.
But this pain, still stands tall.
Hang in there, Dad. You're a fighter.
And they say there is a flame of hope,
so I haven't stopped flicking this lighter.
I am on a path of spirit,
But the world is screaming at me,
and I can no longer act like I don't hear it.
I am done fighting, for a second of serenity.
I am tormented by reality,
I met a soulmate, and she died in my arms.
I met the devil on my shoulder,
and even he had a heart.
Hang in there, Dad. I wish you could see me happy, but I cannot control it.
God, I would give you my all for my dad to live,
I would even be homeless.
This is a cosmic dream, and the stars are shooting.
The world is wealthy of love,
and I am looting.
I am scared, for the first time.
I have truly given myself, knowledge of the universe,
But it still feels, like I have to cry.
My twin flame continues to run.
They say childhood is a time to be happy,
but it's been 17 years, and mine is not fun.
Hang in there, Dad. Don't leave me again.
I am just a child.
Hang in there, Dad.
I need a reason to smile.
I give the world inside of me, outside of me, energy of ferocity.
But they are scared.
My emotions are based on a democracy.
I have found myself, and all that I am meant to be.
But love leaves,
is that luck, or destiny?
I do not have to do your homework.
I do not have to do your chores.
I do not have to love you.
I do not have to be alive.
I am a sad soul, and I just have to cry.
This is a fiery creation, and I am trapped by the heat.
Is the higher power,
something that can be beat?
I pray to God, maybe he is real.
But I give love,
and yet he only gives to those that rob and steal.
I pray to God, the same man that gave my dad cancer.
I am angry at the world,
it is banging against my brain like a titanium hammer.
I search everywhere,
for one singular answer.
Hang in there, Dad. Don't leave me in pain.
This world is heroin,
and I have taken it's reality in vain.
I beat my friends. I cheat on girls. I scream, and ask why?
If I am in this much pain, why do I exist,
why am I alive?
I don't have to do anything,
A tear flows down my face, and you have no idea what it is filled with.
Sadness will not exist anymore, I swear I will kill it.
Danny Buccafusca, the kid everyone fears.
Danny Buccafusca, the kid that is weird
Danny Buccafusca, the kid that talks in tears.
Hang in there, Dad.
I am your creation.
Hang in there, Dad.
If you leave, I will meet Satan.
All that I love, is all that I have seen die.
Yesterday, I had to live.
But today, I Have 2 Cry.