If God is a creator of beauty, an artist of pain,
does he paint so much darkness today?
Poetry is not peaceful, it does not derive from the gardens of my heart,
this is just me,
trying to harness the dark,
and I am so different,
I have felt like a Martian from the start.
I am lost in this galaxy, searching the stars.
This pain is a painting,
swirling, expanding, burning in my heart.
God has painted a masterpiece,
within me that may just be my own catastrophe.
And how can I be mad at the world,
if it seems to be even more mad at me?
but I guess that may be life,
a beautiful girl that has shredded your heart,
in other words, a gorgeous tragedy.
The sun slits the galaxy open, and as if it is a suicidal smile,
it beams through and shows beauty,
but within me the sun is burning,
and the pain is immense, truly.
I pray for a moment of peace,
are not just moments to me.
I want to be more,
not what my reality, has chosen to be.
This world we call home, is benevolent,
so I am homeless, at ease,
because being lost is where I find eloquence,
roses and bees.
Watch me grow from concrete,
flow like Mobb Deep,
Battle this battle, and fight this fight,
own it like I'm not beat.
show them like it's property,
God told me, to reach the peak I seek,
that I need him.
And I said fuck you,
I don't believe him.
The world has hurt me tremendously, so I run from it and sit in silence.
My mom tries to tell me there is peace, but in my mind there is violence.
It seems as if mankind is in a movement, and I refuse to stand behind it.
And if I've ever lived a life of prosperity and serenity, please God,
can I rewind it?
I feel the universe, as if everything is a bullet that has pierced me.
My momma tells me to please smile and be cheery,
but momma the world has hurt me severely,
and that is why I yell at people to not come near me,
and why I fight so hard, and my tears deep.
I wonder, if this will ever be worth it.
If the love I feel for my brothers and sisters, will ever have a purpose.
Every day I take on the world, as if it is a beach and I am a tsunami current.
God, if there is anyone that deserves a smile, I think I have earned it.
This world holds a path, a forest I have not explored.
I search within myself, as if there is an answer in my inner core.
My emotions are the heat of an Arizona Summer, and every one's heart is an Arctic Tundra, a winter storm.
I ask God, why do I seek so much peace, if inside of me,
there is a war?
The story of the man that stands silent,
the only human, that wishes to be like the rest, careless and mindless.
whom sits in the chair of life, and dreams to recline it.
The boy of pain, who sees the shadows and scars as timeless,
who wishes he could be God, not for the lust or the power,
but so he could recreate himself,
and edit his mind, perhaps redesign it.
I ask God, for an answer as my eyes open in hopeful enlightenment,
"Relax homie. Just for tonight, maybe wine is."
For as far back as my memory breaches my past, I remember reading while the others played basketball, writing when the others were coloring, helping when all else refused, and most of all, striving towards what others were not. My life has not derived from gardens, it has not flourished from beautiful sunlight and grown from the power of water and it's purpose. My mind is not designed by stability, structure, and satisfaction.
Actually, quite the opposite.
I knew what heroin did to a man before I knew how to tie my shoes. I knew what it took to take care of yourself before most kids were even allowed home by themselves. I learned that words didn't cure cancer, because my father still can't move as the "cure" of chemo runs through his blood. I knew trauma, I knew hell's contribution to reality, before I knew what it was like to smile without control.
The artist of my soul, was an artist that thought he could control. He could not be anymore wrong. Yes, my reality was so different than those who surrounded me. I did not have a happy family to come home to, I was not sure if my dad would survive through the night, I was consumed with images and memories that could only ever be suppressed, never forgotten.
These eyes are not colorful, because they have seen color.
However, my mind has been even more unique. I have looked at the world as a treasure since I was a child, love as a priority, conformity as a betraying concept. Life, has always been more to me than it has been to other people. The sun has always shined brighter in my eyes, space has always stretched my mind more than others. I, have simply always wanted to change the world. I, have always just wanted to be different. I, have always just wanted to make an impact.
Because, my life has been impacted so much. Scarred by immense images, designed by anguish and triumph, but motivated by the past. I, have always just wanted to effect the world as it has effected me.
I have reached beyond what the world may be trying to hold me to, as I chase what I love with writing and impacting. I wish to change the lives of many through stories and poetry across the globe, I seek to be special, by doing special.
I am a man, that has never fit in to the world.
I am a human, that chases immortality through the way I grasp my mortality.
I am a rose, that has grown from concrete.
I have started a website that reaches to those in pain through poetry, I have made over $10,000 for my dad and for racetracks across the United States through my automobile endeavors and promotions and reached national media attention because of it, I have succeeded in school and changed the lives of many in doing so.I have done more, than any man that has experienced and seen what I have experienced and seen would ever have the will to do.
And now, I take my next step in to revolutionizing my life, and the world.
I, am different, and that is my identity.
I truly do believe that your college is where I take the largest leap of my life to accomplish what I work so hard to accomplish. This is my chance at escape, this is my chance to change the world.
This is my opportunity, that is truly the climax of my life.
I hope, you believe me too.