Cicatrice

​Cicatrice

I imagine so much beauty
love, a life of happiness,
a life where reality, where the memories I am so determined to suppress, to escape, to liberate myself from,
do not exist.
I dream of so much beauty,
love, a life of stability.
a life where loss ceases to be inevitable, true,
a life where it is extinct.
I wish of so much beauty, 
love, a life of freedom,
a life where the shackles of fear no longer riddle my body, inspire & empower the blood that runs through my veins,
A life, that is in my control.
I see so much beauty,
love, infinite passion & limitless meaning
in this miraculous world,
in everyone, everything.
But why,
do I suffer, face, and fight so much pain? Constant agony, constant chaos, 
a constant war. 
I run, 
faster than I have ran from the police,
faster than I ran from Tymia when we fought as children, 
faster than I run from the souls I fall for,
but I am caught, captured, cuffed, 
as my mind, my history, 
my Cicatrice,
is not something my speed can save me from. 
And that is why, when I die
when the bullet pierces my brain,
when my kidneys, liver, heart, and mind fail to let me take another breathe,
and as my soul soars towards Heaven or Hell,
I do not want to imagine my life flash before my eyes.
I do not want to dream of my life flashing before my eyes.
I do not want to see my life flash before my eyes.
I do not wish to relive my life as it flashes before my eyes.
I chase, I strive, I pray,
to envision, to experience, to feel
the life that I write about,
the life that I ferociously pursue,
the life that is a replica of the allure, the complexity, the hope I sense so powerfully,
in the women I have kissed, in the humanity that derives in us all, in the nature that illustrates and illuminates the Earth,
in the world.
A life without these memories, 
these Scars.
A life where the epitome of my desires, the peak of the mountains in which I have climbed, the cure to my disease of damage, the completing component of the equation for my rapture, 
A life where beauty, love, happiness, 
become my reality.
Even if it is just for my last second, my concluding heartbeat,
my final breathe.
That is what I ask God for, 
a life that knows Peace.